GOING WITHIN

It’s inevitable, a reality that all of us will experience multiple times, the carpet gets pulled out from under us and our life is suddenly transformed.

My mother was home for me, and as a young woman her death was my first jolt awakening to this.  Losing someone so central to my sense of self was excruciating.  More recently, the circumstances that led to the dissolution of my long-term relationship brought me back to this place.  Devastated and barely capable of handling the basics of living, the days blurred into each other.  As I struggled to process the grief I found myself broken and sobbing in public places, holiday gatherings, parking lots...  Solace felt impossible. 

It was then that a friend suggested I pick up my camera and turn the lens on myself. Leaning into her advice, the first few attempts felt mechanical.  It was upsetting to witness my aging body and the pain it broadcast.  Yet soon exploring with the lens became my sustenance. The act of capturing myself through photography shifted my awareness away from the immobilizing sadness and despair. It was at first subtle, but ultimately this daily practice of self-portraiture grounded me in unexpected ways. As I photographed myself in various scenes, a new narrative began to emerge. Finding strength within this vulnerability, I noticed I was viewing myself in an entirely new way.

Art has the power to expose and communicate what we are unable to say. Without training the camera on myself, I might not have made it through that event. Engaging with this practice, I found focus.  With that focus, I started to value myself again. Through self-portraiture I was able to capture and reveal emotional states necessary to heal.  This insight helped forge a curiosity and courage previously not experienced.